Tepper Isn't Going Out by Calvin Trillin

Author:Calvin Trillin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction
ISBN: 9781588360465
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2002-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

16. Meeting

“CAN I GET UP NOW?” MIKE SHANAHAN ASKED AFTER HE had been sitting for almost a full minute in the Body Orifice Security Scanner in the mayor’s outer office. “I think I’m already late for the meeting.” Even before he’d had to stop at the iris scanner and the BOSS, Shanahan had been held up at the security gate by Eddie, his childhood friend, who, explaining that he’d thought of practically nothing else but Grandma Houlihan’s molasses cookies since their last meeting, wouldn’t release the turnstile until Mike recited everything he remembered about the recipe.

“Not yet,” Teresa said, drawing closer to the machine. “Is that a buzz I’m hearing? Would you say that sound is a soft buzz or just sort of a loud tingle? How would you describe that sound?”

“What sound? I don’t hear any sound.”

She walked around the machine, cocking her head to catch the sound that Shanahan couldn’t hear. “With Commissioner DeSilva this morning, we thought it was just a tingle we were hearing,” she said. “And tingles don’t count. But it turned out to be an actual buzz. It was set off by his hearing aid. I let him keep it in, of course.” Then she studied a manual for a while. Then she said, “You’re not, for some reason, holding a tiny dagger in your mouth, are you, Mike?”

“A tiny dagger!” Shanahan said. “You think I’ve swallowed a miniature Sikh for some reason and he left his tiny dagger in my mouth on the way down? You think I’ve got designs on trimming the mayor’s toenails or something?”

Teresa didn’t answer. She simply studied the machine’s dials, occasionally referring back to the owner’s manual. For a while, it was silent in the mayor’s outer office.

Then, suddenly, Shanahan reached inside his mouth and pulled out a wire object that he held in his open palm. “My retainer,” he said, in something close to a mumble.

“Your retainer?” Teresa said. “What are you doing with a retainer?”

“The dentist said my lower teeth are getting out of alignment. That happens to be quite common for people of my age. The retainer is just temporary.”

“Did you have the retainer when we . . . you know . . .”

“Teresa,” Shanahan said, “does it occur to you that we may be approaching the area that some might consider invasion of privacy?”

Teresa, lost in her thoughts, said, “I don’t know how I would have felt about you having a retainer. It definitely would have lent a certain high-school quality to the situation. But whether that would have made it more exciting or less exciting, I just don’t know. I’m guessing maybe less exciting. . . .”

“Teresa, can I go in now?” Shanahan said. “I promise I won’t attack the mayor with my retainer.”

“Oh, sure. Go ahead,” she said.

The meeting had already begun. Mayor Ducavelli was behind his desk. He showed evidence of having spent some time in the sun when he was in Phoenix for the mayors’ conference; his face, which had

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